you won't leave me alone...

i erased you from my mind as long as i could. but you're back again.
i don't know what it was that made you flood back to my memory.
maybe it was a smell. or a sound. a person.
even small things like that often bring you back so clearly it's as if you're right next to me.
i speak of you as if you've died or something...but i guess you kind of did.
you're dead to me at least. because i'll never see you again. the grief is just as bad. maybe worse than it should be, seeing as how you've been gone for one week short of 11 months. i should be at peace by now. my life is closer to good than it ever was, and i feel like i'm making some sort of progress. my depression is barely there. i dont cut. i dont purge. i dont starve. and i almost never cry. except when i think of you. YOU are the only thing that makes me cry. still. after this long.
and it's been too long to bring it up in therapy again. so i cant tell anyone that im still upset over you.
i wish sooo much that you could read this and know what im feeling. because i know you've forgotten me. and until recently, i didnt think you were capable of forgetting me. but by now i've painfully convinced myself, against my best judgement, that you are human. which means, you have relationships and move on.

move on.

that sounds wonderful. i want to forget you ever existed. i want this pain to go away permanently. but erasing you would be erasing a huge chunk of my life. its not possible. i wish i had even the slightest clue that i still meant something to you. but i need to get real. i was one client. that's it. nothing else. your job was to be the best person in my life. and you did it so well. too well. so well that you undid it. i would give anything to see your face...hear your voice...one last time. but that wouldnt be enough. i know it wouldnt.
i have you saved in perfect form in my mind. your voice replays to me sometimes. i still think random people look like you. i still walk into Chrysalis and get a lump in my throat. i havent set foot in your office since that Friday afternoon when we had our last meeting. i remember the whole thing so clearly. i couldnt cry anymore by then. that was all i had done for a month. but i sure did cry once i left. even though i tried so hard not to.

and im still crying today.

memories overflow...

For some reason I miss you again tonight. I always miss you but tonight it’s painful. I don’t know why. My mood is always fine now except those rare moments like this when I can’t push you to the back of my head any longer. I keep telling myself that you aren’t in my life anymore. You’re gone forever. But I want you so badly. All the leftover remnants from my past are all that’s left to be addressed in therapy. I think secretly, the only reason I refuse to let my eating disorder fade is because it’s the only part of you that’s still inside of me.

I just wish you even thought of me now. I know you never weep for me. Because I was just a person; I tried to tell you how I felt about you, but words are not strong enough to portray it. Ashley is great, but I loved you. There, I said it: I love you. Not in a gay way…you were that person who filled every void in my life. I don’t know what that relationship would be called. But when you left, the wound was deep, and the scar still throbs.

I dream about you all the time. And I don’t tell Ashley that you are the strange “unknown” person in the dreams I tell her about. She is sick of hearing about you, and I know I look stupid talking about you like you still care…or that you will ever return.

In three days, it will be the 2 years anniversary of when we first met.

And I haven’t seen you in 10 months and 1 week. I can’t stop counting.

Even though you left me…you are still the most incredible person I have ever met. That says a lot about how much I still care for you.